sunhawk16: (Lev hawk)
sunhawk16 ([personal profile] sunhawk16) wrote2016-12-16 07:42 pm

On the third day of Christmas...

Ok, I'm going to get one of the ones I consider the angstyest out of the way. Nobody dies, but I still find it kinda depressing... with a 'but!'. Now lets see if I can do a double cut. I'm going to put an explanation behind a cut so if you don't want the ficlet spoiled you can come back to it later.

This is another ficlet that has been sitting for a long time (and I should probably confess here, it's kinda a songfic too), because I always meant to write a sequel. But since the file is dated 2005, it's probably safe to say... it isn't likely to happen. Thing is, Heero really does love Duo too, he just can't deal with it and the war at the same time. After this little scene and the final battle is won and the war over... there is a happily ever after. But you're just going to have to trust me on that, because it never actually got written.

And this cut would be the angsty ficlet itself.

We’re not much alike, Heero and I. Sometimes, I’m not even too sure what it was that brought us together. Sex, obviously, but just what it was that made either of us think we’d be compatible enough to give it a go is beyond me. ‘Unlikely’ is about the most charitable description I can think of for us.

But they say opposites attract and truer words were never spoken… at least in my case. It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was a whole lot more than just sex for me, but I’m not so sure about Heero. I’m never sure about Heero. I think sometimes, that there is caring along with the lust. That there is concern along with the need. But… I’m never sure.

The first time I tried to give voice to what I felt, wasn’t even on purpose. It was in a cold Sweeper bunk in the middle of a long night before battle. We probably should have been sleeping, but some needs supersede others. He’d been deep inside me and I’d been wrapped around him like an anaconda. Emotion had welled up on the crest of completion and I’d known in that moment that I never wanted to be without him.

‘God Heero,’ I’d panted. ‘I l…’

But his mouth had descended on mine and he’d stolen my words from me, and then my breath, and then all coherent thought.

And in the morning there hadn’t been time for anything as we’d run off to suit up.

The second time had been during a stolen moment in a supply closet, in the dark recesses of the Peacemillion. Another respite between battles. Half clothed and in a blinding rush of need, my back braced against a cold bulkhead and legs around his waist, I’d tried again to give him the gift of my feelings.

‘Heero…‘ I whispered, but his fingers found my lips in the dark.

‘Hush,’ he said. ‘Voices carry.’

And that was when I began to doubt how things were. Began to understand that not all gifts are welcome.

The third time, because somewhere in my soul I couldn’t help believing that feelings should be voiced, was more of a conscious thing. I had begun to separate the emotion from the sex and understood that they weren’t dependent on one another. So I approached him when we both weren’t focused on the needs of our bodies.

I approached him before that final launch into battle. It was probably not the best of times, but I was full of that fear of having one last chance at telling someone something important. It was a thing I’d lived through more than once… death taking someone I loved without them ever knowing how important they were to me.

My heart still seemed a shiny thing, to be wrapped and handed over with some ceremony. A gift already given… but not yet accepted. I needed to know he understood. I needed to know if I’d put myself into the hands of someone who would cherish the gift or not.

‘Heero?’ I called, jogging to catch up with him on the floor of the launch bay. ‘A minute?’

He stopped and turned to face me, his helmet still in his hands. ‘Make it quick,’ he replied and then a small frown crossed his features at the sight of me. I probably didn’t look much like I was getting ready to go to war, there were a million emotions roiling around inside me, and I know I wasn’t keeping that off my face.

‘Look,’ I blurted. ‘I know this is bad timing, but I just wanted to…’

‘Stop,’ he said, voice not completely ungentle, but firm all the same. ‘Don’t, Maxwell.’

I blinked at him and felt something inside me squirming uncomfortably. ‘But…’ I began and he took a step closer so that he could lower his voice even further.

‘Just don’t,’ he said softly. ‘There’s no room for that here.’

That thing inside me gave a painful little lurch and I felt myself nodding. ‘I suppose you’re right.’ I tried on a smile that only felt sick and twisted to me, but he gave me that feral battle grin in return, nodded once, and turned to run to his Gundam.

He didn’t look back.

I just stared after him. I felt like if I looked down at my hands, I’d find the remnants of a forgotten gift there. Something discarded. Something abandoned.

It’s funny how we are… in the face of what we were flying into, he couldn’t hear the one thing I needed to hear the most. What would break his concentration was what I needed to ground myself. What would only distract him, was what drove me… gave me my focus. I just stood and watched him launch, drifting inside my own head. Feeling an odd pain and wondering about things that shouldn’t have mattered. Tomorrows and tomorrows and a future that I suddenly couldn’t see clearly any more.

It took a mechanic thumping me on the back and telling me to watch myself out there, to make me move toward my own launch. To make me remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Just wish he could have reminded me of why. It helps to have the why firmly in hand when you’re going off to put your life on the line. At least… it helps me.

But then… we’re not much alike, Heero and I.

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