sunhawk16: (Lev hawk)
[personal profile] sunhawk16
Ok, I'm going to get one of the ones I consider the angstyest out of the way. Nobody dies, but I still find it kinda depressing... with a 'but!'. Now lets see if I can do a double cut. I'm going to put an explanation behind a cut so if you don't want the ficlet spoiled you can come back to it later.

This is another ficlet that has been sitting for a long time (and I should probably confess here, it's kinda a songfic too), because I always meant to write a sequel. But since the file is dated 2005, it's probably safe to say... it isn't likely to happen. Thing is, Heero really does love Duo too, he just can't deal with it and the war at the same time. After this little scene and the final battle is won and the war over... there is a happily ever after. But you're just going to have to trust me on that, because it never actually got written.

And this cut would be the angsty ficlet itself.

We’re not much alike, Heero and I. Sometimes, I’m not even too sure what it was that brought us together. Sex, obviously, but just what it was that made either of us think we’d be compatible enough to give it a go is beyond me. ‘Unlikely’ is about the most charitable description I can think of for us.

But they say opposites attract and truer words were never spoken… at least in my case. It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was a whole lot more than just sex for me, but I’m not so sure about Heero. I’m never sure about Heero. I think sometimes, that there is caring along with the lust. That there is concern along with the need. But… I’m never sure.

The first time I tried to give voice to what I felt, wasn’t even on purpose. It was in a cold Sweeper bunk in the middle of a long night before battle. We probably should have been sleeping, but some needs supersede others. He’d been deep inside me and I’d been wrapped around him like an anaconda. Emotion had welled up on the crest of completion and I’d known in that moment that I never wanted to be without him.

‘God Heero,’ I’d panted. ‘I l…’

But his mouth had descended on mine and he’d stolen my words from me, and then my breath, and then all coherent thought.

And in the morning there hadn’t been time for anything as we’d run off to suit up.

The second time had been during a stolen moment in a supply closet, in the dark recesses of the Peacemillion. Another respite between battles. Half clothed and in a blinding rush of need, my back braced against a cold bulkhead and legs around his waist, I’d tried again to give him the gift of my feelings.

‘Heero…‘ I whispered, but his fingers found my lips in the dark.

‘Hush,’ he said. ‘Voices carry.’

And that was when I began to doubt how things were. Began to understand that not all gifts are welcome.

The third time, because somewhere in my soul I couldn’t help believing that feelings should be voiced, was more of a conscious thing. I had begun to separate the emotion from the sex and understood that they weren’t dependent on one another. So I approached him when we both weren’t focused on the needs of our bodies.

I approached him before that final launch into battle. It was probably not the best of times, but I was full of that fear of having one last chance at telling someone something important. It was a thing I’d lived through more than once… death taking someone I loved without them ever knowing how important they were to me.

My heart still seemed a shiny thing, to be wrapped and handed over with some ceremony. A gift already given… but not yet accepted. I needed to know he understood. I needed to know if I’d put myself into the hands of someone who would cherish the gift or not.

‘Heero?’ I called, jogging to catch up with him on the floor of the launch bay. ‘A minute?’

He stopped and turned to face me, his helmet still in his hands. ‘Make it quick,’ he replied and then a small frown crossed his features at the sight of me. I probably didn’t look much like I was getting ready to go to war, there were a million emotions roiling around inside me, and I know I wasn’t keeping that off my face.

‘Look,’ I blurted. ‘I know this is bad timing, but I just wanted to…’

‘Stop,’ he said, voice not completely ungentle, but firm all the same. ‘Don’t, Maxwell.’

I blinked at him and felt something inside me squirming uncomfortably. ‘But…’ I began and he took a step closer so that he could lower his voice even further.

‘Just don’t,’ he said softly. ‘There’s no room for that here.’

That thing inside me gave a painful little lurch and I felt myself nodding. ‘I suppose you’re right.’ I tried on a smile that only felt sick and twisted to me, but he gave me that feral battle grin in return, nodded once, and turned to run to his Gundam.

He didn’t look back.

I just stared after him. I felt like if I looked down at my hands, I’d find the remnants of a forgotten gift there. Something discarded. Something abandoned.

It’s funny how we are… in the face of what we were flying into, he couldn’t hear the one thing I needed to hear the most. What would break his concentration was what I needed to ground myself. What would only distract him, was what drove me… gave me my focus. I just stood and watched him launch, drifting inside my own head. Feeling an odd pain and wondering about things that shouldn’t have mattered. Tomorrows and tomorrows and a future that I suddenly couldn’t see clearly any more.

It took a mechanic thumping me on the back and telling me to watch myself out there, to make me move toward my own launch. To make me remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Just wish he could have reminded me of why. It helps to have the why firmly in hand when you’re going off to put your life on the line. At least… it helps me.

But then… we’re not much alike, Heero and I.

Date: 2016-12-17 01:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, I just want to hug Duo so hard. And give Yuy a smack upside the head. All the rational in the world doesn't compare to someone feeling that sort of hurt. O.o Been there, done that.

Date: 2016-12-17 02:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think this Heero will make up for it once he doesn't have saving the Earth on his plate. He's a very focused kind of guy... first he wins the war, and then aaaaaall that focus will be for Duo. :D

Date: 2016-12-17 07:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
He better. I'm just itching to smack someone, so he better get off my grid. ^__~

Date: 2016-12-18 11:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You have more energy than I do... I kind of imagine smacking, but it just doesn't seem to come to anything...

Date: 2016-12-17 04:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Poor boys. You certainly do torture them so.

Date: 2016-12-17 02:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
There really was supposed to be a follow-up, but this part just wrapped around so perfectly with that same line at the beginning and the end, that I couldn't mess with it. So sequel was supposed to happen... only.... uh.... yeah. >_

Date: 2016-12-17 03:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Normally, I'd throw myself in the floor like a toddler and demand a sequel, but you're right. There's something poetic about this introspection.


*throws self in floor demanding a cookie instead*

Date: 2016-12-18 11:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh shoot... today was Chex mix day... no cookies yet...

Date: 2016-12-19 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*sits up* Chex mix? I haven't had those in years!

Date: 2016-12-21 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's a tradition. Wouldn't be christmas without it. And it cures constipation... >_>

Date: 2016-12-21 02:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Also addicting. I could grab and growl most of the bowl myself. Though I don't like the dark brown chex as much. May leave those in the bowl. >.>

Date: 2016-12-24 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I stopped putting the wheat Chex in years ago.... EVERYbody left them in the bottom of the bowl!

Date: 2016-12-24 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hopefully not after spitting them back into the bowl. My niece used to do that with jelly bellies. Back into the company snack jar. We'd wondered why they'd solidified in there and I just happened to catch her in the act.

Date: 2017-01-01 02:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Not as ew as realizing what happened just before watching my brother throw a solid chunk in his mouth and eat them.

Date: 2017-01-02 02:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh old IS this girl?? o_O

Date: 2017-01-02 03:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
She was in middle school at the time.

Date: 2017-01-05 12:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Old enough to know better. I hope she got her hand smacked! LOL

Date: 2017-01-05 12:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Nope. We didn't want my brother to know he'd been scarfing down spit up jelly beans for a few weeks.

Date: 2016-12-17 07:43 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
routhier says:

oh! i liked it better without the threat of a happy ending!

and, haha!, i totally caught the nod to the song there, too. i was all, "that haaaad to be intentional, riiiiight?" ...and it was! hooray for the powers of observation!

Date: 2016-12-17 02:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ha! You caught it? Wasn't sure anybody would. I committed the sin of songfic.... ninja style! :D

Date: 2016-12-18 07:06 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
routhier says:

i was misunderstanding some lyrics to a song today and thought, "i wonder if anybody ever wrote a misunderstood lyrics songfic???" ...and then i pictured heero accidentally picking up hints that duo was not laying down, and showing up totally inappropriately attired to what was supposed to be an entirely innocent dinner in.

Date: 2016-12-18 11:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That should be a sub-genre to the Song-fic... the misunderstood lyric fic....

Date: 2016-12-17 10:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm not really convinced of a happy ending but one can hope. :) I liked how Duo referred to his heart as if it could be visualized.

Date: 2016-12-17 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No, no! Totally happy ending! This Heero is just a very 'one thing at a time' kind of guy. Once that pesky war gets out of his way.... it's all about Duo. Really.

Date: 2016-12-17 02:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
People aren't always ready to hear talk about love at the same time. I can see Duo being ready before Heero. Goodness knows, Duo has been raised with more love in his life than Heero has. The words would come easier for him. I'm sure Heero will get there, eventually!

Date: 2016-12-17 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh Heero will get there so fast once his focus changes, Duo won't be able to keep up! LOL This is a very driven, passionate Heero, but apparently is also very 'one thing at a time'. :D

Date: 2016-12-17 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I enjoyed that one too. And I can see why it had to stop there and why you wanted to offer it with the sequel

I can see the invisible sequel in Heero's voice - Heero's frustrated voice because Duo has pulled away since that last attempt to say the words. Not physically (the sex is still hot) and there's no change to the friendship offered, but something is different and Heero isn't sure that Duo wants to hear the words from Heero now when the war and missions aren't in the way. Confused angst before Heero decides that Duo is going to KNOW that he is loved.

Mmm. Maybe it's a trilogy...

Date: 2016-12-18 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Maybe I should open it up for other people to write the sequel! All I'm getting from Heero is a no-nonsense, kick some ass in the war, come back and toss Duo over his shoulder...
"Ok, NOW is the time for this!"

Date: 2016-12-18 06:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
well then, I can certainly see why the party of the second part never happened. The party of the first part just sort of wraps around and gives itself a hug nee? ^-^ Ahh but to imagine Duo's face when Hiiro finally confessed though...priceless *le sigh* You leave us stewing in blissful anticipation...tion...tion....

Date: 2016-12-18 11:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It just brought itself around and I couldn't make it go any further and had to admit it was done. But I really did always mean to show that it wasn't what it looked like. But sometimes you just have to admit it ain't gonna happen... lol

Date: 2016-12-19 03:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh it's gonna happen...Hiiro is gonna make it happen (author said so)'s just gonna have to wait till the cosmos decides to exhale lol ...umm...could take awhile

Date: 2016-12-23 02:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
As someone else said, each of these stories is a little gem. I love your writing because of the depth, it's okay if there isn't a sappy happy ending. Maybe it's because life has been less than wrapped up neat with a bow lately, but I enjoyed this one. it's true that people experience situations differently and it doesn't always work out. Of course there are many ways this story could go, but still it was wonderfully written. Thank you for this Christmas tradition- I've been following for years and it's always a pleasure - I just don't usually remember my password and fail to comment >.<; Long time fan of the contributors here! ^^

Date: 2016-12-24 07:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, good to hear from you this year! Sometimes I do kind of wonder if people just wish I'd stop it already. LOL "Oh Gawd; she's back AGAIN!" *snort*
Just hope I can manage something next year... this pretty much stripped me of every unposted, finished piece I own. I feel kinda naked.... o_O
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